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FOUND Core Read

Good Inside: A Guide to Connection-Based Parenting

Understanding behavior as communication and setting boundaries through connection

By Dr. Becky Kennedy

Connection-Based ParentingEmotional RegulationBoundaries with EmpathyInternal GoodnessIntergenerational Healing
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5
Insights
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3
Actions
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20 min read
Read Time
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Why It Matters

This book bridges attachment theory, internal family systems, and neuroscience into an accessible framework that rejects behaviorist approaches while maintaining parental authority. It demonstrates that firm boundaries and warm validation are complementary forces, wiring children for lifelong emotional resilience and healthy relationships.

1. Behavior as Signal, Not Identity

Traditional parenting treats behavior as the problem to eliminate. Kennedy reframes behavior as communication about internal struggle, shifting intervention from suppression to understanding. This paradigm shift requires parents to look beneath surface actions to identify unmet needs, developmental limitations, or emotional dysregulation.

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Key Insight

"When parents respond to the underlying need rather than punishing the behavior, children learn that their feelings are manageable and that they remain lovable even during difficult moments."

2. The 'Two Things Are True' Framework

This concept teaches parents to hold multiple realities simultaneously rather than collapsing into singular truth. For example: 'I have decided you cannot watch this movie AND you're upset and mad at me.' This framework prevents power struggles by validating the child's emotional reality while maintaining necessary boundaries.

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Key Insight

"This multiplicity thinking reduces defensiveness and preserves connection during conflict. It models that conflicting feelings can coexist—parents can love their children AND crave alone time, children can be good kids AND have hard times."

3. Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)

Before responding to challenging behavior, parents ask: 'What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?' This shifts from judgment to curiosity, reframing 'bad kid' narratives to 'struggling kid' understanding. When children are seen as good inside having hard times, they access self-compassion, which enables regulation and better choices.

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Key Insight

"MGI doesn't excuse harmful behavior—boundaries still apply—but it ensures responses address root causes rather than symptoms."

4. Boundaries as 'I Won't Let You' Statements

Kennedy reframes boundaries from what children must do to what parents will do. Instead of 'Stop hitting!' (which requires child compliance), parents say 'I won't let you hit' while physically intervening. This embodies parental authority without requiring the child to self-regulate beyond their capacity.

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Key Insight

"Physical boundaries communicate safety—when parents contain dysregulated children, they become the 'staircase' connecting emotional experience (downstairs brain) to regulation capacity (upstairs brain)."

5. Separating Person from Behavior

The framework distinguishes who someone is (good inside) from what they do (sometimes problematic). This enables change without shame. When parents address behavior while affirming the person—'I don't appreciate that language, and I can see you must be really upset'—children learn their worth isn't conditional on perfect behavior.

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Key Insight

"Shame makes people feel unsafe, which prevents change; security enables growth."